


All Because of a Ham and Cheese Sandwich

by OnlyJustAMemory



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crossover, Doctor Meets Doctor, F/F, Gen, Humor, bill is very gay, graham is made fun of the tiniest bit ig? but we all adore him, she gay panics a lot, they kind of forget nardole is there, thirteen is a ball of sunshine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:20:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23810722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyJustAMemory/pseuds/OnlyJustAMemory
Summary: “Hang on a second,” the Doctor said, looking back forth between the two strangers. He seemed to be analyzing them before his eyes locked onto the woman. “You’re me?”Bill’s brain went into gay panic mode. The Doctor… was… a… woman. A woman with beautiful hair, and the brightest smile, and her ear piercing was so cute and her green eyes were mesmerizing-“(or Doctor meets Doctor and Bill is very gay)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 213





	All Because of a Ham and Cheese Sandwich

**Author's Note:**

> hey all! i hope you enjoy this chaos i wrote :)

Bill was going to have a heart attack.

…

Ok, maybe that was a slight over-exaggeration. After a full hour of hearing the Doctor and Nardole arguing over the right amount of sugar to have in a cup of tea, Bill was about ready to drown the two of them in a typhoon of unsweetened, boiling hot tea… (yeah, maybe she’d been spending a little too much time around Missy). She was on the verge of doing it too when suddenly the TARDIS began to blink a disorienting shade of red. 

This shut both Nardole and the Doctor up, which Bill was grateful for. The lights had forced the Doctor to halt his argument about why coffee added to tea does not make the tea better nor does it make tea anymore, and instead went to go check the controls.

“What is it?” Bill asked.

“It’s an alarm.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well that’s a bit rubbish, isn’t it? And if it’s an alarm, then why aren’t there any sounds?” Bill asked as the Doctor hurried around the console, flicking switches and pressing buttons. She then proceeded to make her brilliant, Oscar-winning alarm sounds to further her point, which in the end only awarded her with two, scarily simultaneous “shushes” from the others.

“I turned the TARDIS on Do Not Disturb mode, alright? I don’t like loud noises. He got my ears on sale,” Nardole said with a shrug, jabbing his thumb in the Doctor’s direction. The Time Lord glared at him with such intensity that it reminded Bill of an oncoming storm. His eyebrows were so furrowed that they looked like two angry caterpillars that had once upon a time possessed no hair and were now taking revenge on the world by being more bushy than Bigfoot himself. 

“What if I was sleeping?” the Doctor huffed, still frantically moving around the controls.

“You never sleep.”

“But what if I was? And I didn’t know there was an alarm going off because some stupid scrap-yard junk had turned off the sounds!”

“Well, it’s lucky you don’t ever take care of yourself and sleep then,” Nardole scowled.

The Doctor, mature as ever, stuck his tongue out. Sometimes it was hard to believe that he was an over two-thousand-year-old being who was (sometimes) the President of the Entire Earth and had literally destroyed entire civilisations before with just words. 

“Ah ha!” the Doctor said finally, grabbing the TARDIS screen and swiveling it around so they could see too. He looked disturbingly like a kid on Christmas morning. “It’s a distress signal!”

“Why do you seem so excited about that? Doesn’t distress mean someone is in trouble?”

“Exactly!” He said, all too happy. “All the more fun for us!”

“You are seriously messed up,” Bill muttered under her breath, watching as the TARDIS locked onto whatever coordinates the Doctor had set and slowly began to materialize. She had a weird inkling that whatever adventure was about to take place would be one for the history books.

The TARDIS finished landing and all three of them headed out the doors. They’d landed in some kind of field, which at first seemed normal enough, until Bill looked down and saw that the grass was not green, but in fact a blinding shade of electric blue. Besides that, everything else seemed parallel to that of Earth, but apparently electric blue grass was the “norm” here (wherever here was).

“So where are we?” Bill said, rushing to keep up with the Doctor, who had begun to walk away from the TARDIS. He seemed to look like he knew where he was going, despite no indication of a map or such. This probably meant that they were going in the wrong direction, as usual.

“Leeve.”

“Excuse me?” Bill said, raising an eyebrow.

“Leeve. L-E-E-V-E. The planet is called Leeve.”

“Well that’s not very welcoming,” Bill hummed.

“Yeah,” Nardole chimed in. “They haven’t even met us yet and they already don’t want anything to do with us.”

Silence for a second, and then, word for word, syllable for syllable perfect, Bill and Nardole both said, “Smart choice.”

Oh god. There really was no escaping anymore. She was already one with Nardole and the Doctor. They were her and she was them.

It was a very terrifying thought. 

Suddenly, from somewhere in the distance, there came a voice. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

It startled the trio, and Bill had to jerk herself back before she bumped into the Doctor. 

“That must be the distress signal,” The Doctor said, brightening up. He looked excited at the obviously distraught sound of someone screaming, which was another concerning sign.

“Should we-”

Before Bill got to finish, a figure appeared in the distance. It was running towards them, albeit rather slowly... Well, “running” was a kind way of putting it; it was more of a determined shuffle. Soon the silhouette was close enough for a visual and a fifty-something-year-old man with sandy grey hair came into focus. 

He saw them, that was for sure since they were right in his path, but he made no move to indicate it. He just continued to shuffle-run past them.

The Doctor opened his mouth, then closed it, and then opened it again, which left him looking rather like a goldfish. 

“Excuse me!” Nardole called after the man. The stranger still didn’t answer though and seemed to be heading straight towards the-

“TARDIS,” Bill whispered and before she could even rationally think about the situation, she was off after him. 

He reached the TARDIS before she did, which was surprising considering his age. She expected him to try and open the doors or finally turn around to acknowledge them. What she didn’t expect was for him to completely walk past the TARDIS and instead into… another TARDIS?

“Ok, am I hallucinating or are there actually two TARDIS’S here?” 

“Not hallucinating,” The Doctor murmured. He moved to examine the second box, running his hands up and down the wood. After a second, he smiled, seeming to be genuinely happy, before it morphed into a frown. 

“This isn’t possible,” He said, taking a step back.

“The sign is black,” Nardole commented absent mindedly. “I kind of like it.”

“I don’t,” The Doctor said, whirling around suddenly with a sort of ferocity. “I don’t like anything about this situation! We’re going to cause a paradox, me and him being here at the same time…” He paused, seemingly unaware of the odd looks Bill and Nardole were giving him. “I’m assuming he's the future me, although I had been hoping for someone… younger. I know, I know, I’m not that old right now but maybe I could have lost the grey hair? And maybe for once I could have muscles? Bowtie was stringier than string cheese and Sandshoes was quite literally spaghetti-”

The Doctor’s rant was cut off by the sound of TARDIS 2.0’s doors opening. The man from before stepped out and froze when he saw their little crowd.

“Uh, hi?” He said, slightly shrinking further into the depths of the TARDIS.

“Listen,” The Doctor began. “I’m assuming we’re both here due to the distress signal, but one of us has to go because a paradox will be created otherwise and that-”

“I’m sorry, sir,” the man said, backing up even more. He had a British accent, which either was the TARDIS translation matrix (because it made everyone sound British) or he was actually British. “I think you’ve got the wrong bloke.” 

The Doctor scoffed. “You don’t have to pretend, I know you’re one of my future regenerations. Now, I’ll get back in my TARDIS, you’ll get in yours, and we’ll both forget that this ever happened. Alright?”

The realization struck Bill that this must be the Doctor in the future: his next “body” or whatever (it had been a very confusing explanation). She didn’t know why, but she felt slightly disappointed. Old white dudes seemed to be the trend with her mentor.

Before the other Doctor could speak, a female voice rang out.

“Graham, how long does it take to get a ham and cheese sandwich?” 

The man (Graham apparently?) turned towards the voice. A woman with blonde hair and a very… interesting fashion style was heading in their direction. Bill had to admit she was rather pretty. 

“Hey, you know how hungry I get!” Graham protested. He was hugging his sandwich close to his chest. “And we never stop for food and...and what if we end up in jail again, what if-”

“Hey!” The woman protested in return. “That only happened once!”

Graham stared at her. 

She stared back.

“Ok fine!” The blonde threw her hands up in the air. “Twice! Maybe three times if you consider that one time in Sparta.”

“Doc, we were in a dirty old cell for two days before you came up with the idea to turn the spoons into-”

“Hang on a second,” the Doctor said, looking back forth between the two strangers. He seemed to be analyzing them before his eyes locked onto the woman. “You’re me?”

Bill’s brain went into gay panic mode. The Doctor… was… a…  _ woman.  _ A woman with beautiful hair, and the brightest smile, and her ear piercing was so cute and her green eyes were mesmerizing-

Nardole elbowed her. She had slightly forgotten he was still with them.

“Oh brilliant!” The new Doctor said, grinning. She stepped up closer to Bill’s Doctor, and poked his chest. Bill was surprised that the Doctor didn’t react, only standing there with his face entirely neutral. He seemed to still be processing this situation. 

“I’ve always wanted to meet an old self! Yeah, I know, I know, paradoxes and all that but one little hello could never hurt and… wow, was I always this grumpy?”

Blonde Doctor poked Grumpy Doctor’s cheeks. Still no reaction.

  
“You know it doesn’t hurt to smile,” the Blonde Doctor sighed. Her tone was almost like she was scolding a child. “And as much as I love the outfit, maybe some color? A little more patterns? I’m sure Bill would be able to help.” 

Bill forgot how to breathe. Holy shit, _the_ _gorgeous woman in front of her who was supposedly the Doctor had acknowledge her she knew who she was which made sense if she was the future version of Grumpy Doctor and it was weird because Bill knew Time Lords could change genders with regenerations and there was Missy but this-_

Nardole hit her again. She choked briefly, but remembered how to consume oxygen after a second.

The newer Doctor turned towards her and nope nevermind  _ that freakin’ smile- _

“Hello, Bill,” The other woman said in such a soft voice and oh god Bill was actually going to have a heart attack (once again caused by the Doctor but for a different reason this time).

“H-hi,” she stuttered, holding out her hand. The Blonde Doctor glanced down at it, but, much to Bill’s surprise, instead threw her arms around her.

Apparently this Doctor liked hugs. ( _ It was amazing).  _

  
  


“Uh, Doc?” Graham said. “Who are these people?”

“Oh!” She chirped. “This is the amazing Bill Potts, Nardole, and me!”

“You…?” Her companion reiterated slowly. “Well I suppose you did say you used to be a white-haired Scotsman.”

All of them turned towards said white-haired Scotsman. He still hadn’t said anything since the “big reveal”. Bill began to worry. He’d spoken before about how “Time Lords weren’t held down by the likes of Earth’s concepts of gender and such”, but maybe that had been all talk. Missy was one thing maybe, but him being a woman? Seeing his next self as a woman? What if… 

And then-

“Still not ginger, eh?”

**Author's Note:**

> i credit about 2% of this to my friend Cassie because she just commentated on everything I did wrong as I was writing, only contributing by fixing my grammar so here ya go ya loser
> 
> {kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!}


End file.
